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Overheard in NY and spoken by the people who make us so good:
Doctors: Asked has he ever made any mistakes, he said: “Well, I once cured a millionaire in only three visits.”
On politics: “No wonder politicians want to fix our jails. Look how many wind up there.”
Mother: “You the boy who dove into the freezing East River yesterday and saved my son?” Answer: “Yes, ma’am.” Mother: “What did you do with his mittens?”
Wife to divorcing husband: “You miserable cheat. I know everything now.” Judge: “If you’re so smart, when was the Battle of Gettysburg?”
Brooklynite: “It’s a very quiet neighborhood. Here, people whisper for help.”
Newcomer: “How long is the walk from your house to the nearest subway?” Answer: “Who knows? I don’t walk — I run.”
Robber: “Twelve people out of 300 million find me guilty — and they call that justice?”
Resident: “Security’s lax in my building. I lost the key to my apartment and a burglar loaned me his.”
Nurse: “Where else could a man have a woman undress, examine her head to toe — then send the bill to her husband?”
Drinker: “He thinks Beethoven’s Fifth is our Scotch.”
Dentist: “You have very even teeth. It’s the odd ones that are missing.”
Casino operator: “Slot machines will even be in the men’s room. If you don’t win, you don’t go.”
The public: “What’s New York City call somebody with an IQ of 80?” Mayor.
Manicurist: “You told Ellen the secret that I told you not to tell anyone.” Gloria: “But I told her not to tell you that I told her.”
Manicurist: “I told her I wouldn’t tell you so don’t tell her I told you.”
And if as rich as John Catsimatidis, you can hire someone to swallow for you.
Seniority: Age creeps up on a woman, especially when married to an old geezer.
Young man who married an old lady for her money: “Drink makes you look young and gorgeous.” “But I haven’t been drinking,” she said. “No,” he answered, “but I have.”
Husband: “My wife’s new diet allows her to drink anything from a blender. Last night, she drank two chickens and a pot roast.”
When a guy’s checkbook — and waistline — reveal the same thing, he’s overextended.
Gentlemen: When you wake up in the morning and you have the headache.
Real happiness: The IRS lists your wife’s hairdresser as a dependent.
Animal happiness: Elephant who made so many jungle movies just had his tusks capped.
AND one word about our city’s new young Mayor Zero Crapdammy: He’s funny, charming, intelligent, loquacious, gregarious — just jump right in if you find anything that fits.
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.
