Greatest Shits: Back to the Shart

The Electricity in the Air Before a Good Siege

Larping at the Blind Guardian Concert

Orc Blade Plunged Deep Into Elvin Flesh

Gollum Was a Crack Baby

The Witch That Lives in the Trees

The Water Temple Can Suck My Ass

Crowdfunding to Buy Myself Chainmail

Drawn and Quartered Varg Finally Dies

Going for a Hike and Finding a Black Metal Promo Shoot

Cursed Dagger of Lee-Hon-Tuc

My Blade, My Honor, My Suffrage

Thine Torch Igniting the Ceremonial Fireworks

M'Lord Is Medieval for Daddy

I Got Roasted by a Guy Wearing a Fedora at a Ren Fair

Masturbating to the Elves in Skyrim

Smallsword//Smallerdick

Lack of Basic Hygiene Doesn't Make You a Viking

Stabbing the Winner of Varg's Tabletop R.P.G.

Calling Your Mother's Basement Your Dungeon

Sexual Fantasy Involving an Orc and a Dwarf

Frolicking Naked in the Trees Because You're a Wizard

Frolicking Naked in the Trees Because You're a Wizard

Ishan Before He Thought He Was in Dream Theater

Mayhem: A Career Made on Two Corpses

Bigsword//Mircoscopicpenis

That Feel When Good Siege

I Liked Harry Potter Better When He Was in Troll

Using Black Magic to Get Myself a Date

Leading the Charge

Into the Mines of Moria

I Live in a Hut in the Woods With Ildjarn

I Can't Wait for the Lords of Noisecore to Put a Hit Out on Me

Using Flash During a Black Metal Show to Ruin the Ambiance

Wolves in the Throne Room Are a Bunch of Fucking Nerds

I'm From Texas, I Don't Know What Winter Is

You Smell Like an Mmo Player

It's Not Caps Lock, It's Kvlt Lock, Dipshit!!!

I Was Born in the Wrong Time, I Want to Lead a Crusade

Leading a Medieval Campain to 711 for Mountain Dew

Beating Up Nerds Outside of a Kamelot Concert

Dungeon Synth, Trve Incel Music

Graveland's Instagram Sharing Star Wars Memes

Rob Darken Looks Like My Grandma

Getting Lyrical Themes From Runescape

Ildjarn Is a School Teacher

Mortiis Looks Like a Digimon

Cave Dwelling Dungeon Synth Fan

The Trees Tell Me Many Things, Like Where to Score Pcp

This Rock in the Forest Looks Like a Member of a Boston Punk Band

Chainmail Protects Me From Blades, but Not Your Insults

Bringing a Sword to a Punk Show to Scare Poseurs

Dear Knight I Commend Thine Skullet

Eating From Yee Olde Pizza Carte

Forgotten Forest Path Leading to a Meth Lab

Spell Book Containing a Couple of Spells

Satan Is M'Lord

Hanging Out With My Fellow Incels at the Iced Earth Concert

Christopher Lee's Power Metal Band

Drunkenly Slogging Around Demanding People Drink Your Potion

My Dear, Sweet, Combat Alchemist

The Power of the Full Moon Charging My Boner

My Huge, Heathen, Maypole

I Am a Wizard and My Magic Is Meth

I Work at Medieval Times to Get Drunk on Mead

Peasants Who Think Burzum Is Good

Nobles That Know Ildjarn Is Truth

Going From Punk to Pissing Cave Dweller

True Crime Songs Are Fucking Stupid

Faust From Emperor Is Free to Kill Again

That Guy From Anal Cunt Neither Feared or Respected That Escalator

Intro (Into the Pantheon of Friendship)

My Friend Nick Is the Textbook Definition Gentile Giant and Is a Very Good Boy

Joseph Is a Very Patient Person Who Writes Very Good Music

My Friend Ryan, Beat Me for an Art Scholarship, Because He’s a Better Artist Than Me

My Friend Libby, the Motorcycle Mom to All the Young Punks

Danny From Austin Who Told Me I’m His P. White to His Billy Quizboy

Danni Who Does Really Good Tattoos, Like the Mace on My Arm

My Friend Life, Who Likes War Metal and Is Going to Beauty School

My Friend Blake Who Once Demanded I Stop in a Town Called Cumming

My Friend Wad Who Once Helped Me Make Knifechucks

Texas Mike, Who Doesn’t Live in Texas, but Loudly Tells Me He Loves Me

I Have a Friend Named Liam Who Makes Black Metal and People Call Him Piss

My Friend Erica Who Makes Really Cool Art and Screams a Lot

My Friend Alican Who Is the Smartest Idiot I Know

My Friend Emma, Who Is Going to Make a Pornogrind Band About Killing Incels

My Friend Lauren, a Smolbean Who Shreds the Bass

My Friend Hodge, Who Plays Drums Very Good and Very Calmly

Reese, or Ross, Who Plays Scape and Fronts a Death Metal Band

My Friend Donovan Is a Gear Encyclopedia and a Very Good Boy

My Friend Kimberly, Noisecore Queen

Dunny, the Cave Dwelling Dungeon Synth Man Who Is Very Handsome

My Friend Joose Who Is Really Funny

Slade, a Very, Very Nice Boy Who Plays Powerviolence

Todd, Another, Very, Very Nice Boy Who Plays Powerviolence

Allin Who Left America to Study Something They Really Enjoy Writes Really Cool Music

My Friend Derik Is a Hobbit and a Good Boy

My Friend Larry, a Part Time Weeb, Full Time Small Business Owner

My Friend Gus Who Is Way Tougher Than I Will Ever Be

My Friend Hannah Costillo Who Takes Pictures Really Good

My Friends Ian, Olivia, Jordan and Gabe Are All Very Nice and Have a Great Band Named Warm Bodies

My Friend Billy Who Is My Twin and Has a Really Good Band Named Bib

Rocha, Who Makes Scary Music but Has a Heart of Gold

Uncle Rob, Who Is an Absolute Treasure

I Have a Friend Named Taylor Vinson Who Is Really Funny, but Ate at a Texas in n Out

My Friend Caroline Is the Reason I’m in This Stupid Shit and Alive

Jake Garlick, He Plays Nasty Guitar Really Good and He Can Skate

Simon Who Watches Very Well Made Movies and Plays Drums Very Well

My Friend Erica Salazar Who I Miss but I’m Hoping Is Doing Well in Seattle

My Friend Savannah Has a Cool Job Working for People Who Book Cool Shows

My Friend Jackson “burnout” Boyd and I Once Went on a Goregrind Date

Andy, Sometimes Billy, Is a Hurricane and a Good Boy

My Friend Parker Puts Themselves Down a Lot Despite How Talented They Are

My Friend Carroll, the Lone Cowpunk and a Good Fishing Guide

My Friend Sam Claims She’s Very Jarring but Is a Very Nice Person

Outro (The Gates of Friendship)

Thieves of Sunshine (Lethal Enforcers of the Night)

Suicide Involving a Noose Made of Piano Wire, Gorilla Gluing My Hands to Head and Yelling How Fucking Mad I Am

Fucking Weeb Scum Who Blast Nsbm Nightcore Covers While Spanking It to Hentai

How Do You Like My Carcass Rip-Off Art for My Gorenoise EP?

Andre Chicatilo Was a Sick Fuck Who Ate His Victim’s Genitals

Alferd Packer Is Having a Schpadoinkle Day in Hell for Eating 5 of His Companions in the Mountains

I Sure Do Love Roadside Barbeque in Texas, Especially When Its Made Out of People

Trying to Make Zombie Sex Slaves by Drilling Into Their Brains

Cannibal Corpse Subliminally Convinced Me to Eat My Friend’s Brain, It Wasn’t as Good as They Said It Would

William, I Have but One Setting and It Is Go

I’m Going to Dig Up John Lennon’s Abuser Corpse and Show It the Abuse It Deserves

Bring John Lennon Back to Life So I Can Kill Him Again

What Rich People Google: How Many Pounds of Truffle Can I Fit Into My Ass

Yesterday When I Was in the Shower, I Cupped My Hands, and Peed Into Them. I Sat There Holding 8 Ounces of My Own Pee

I Looked at It, Felt Its Warmth, and Then Unclasped My Hands as I Watch the Golden Liquid Flow Down the Drain

I Thought What If... What If I Would Have Drank That Pee?

Gold Is the Colour of Gold but Also "Pee Pee"

Six Dudes Hanging Around a Car With the Hood Up... Ain’t Nothin’ Better

Ah... A Nice Glass of Piss

Aw, Pikachu Shat on the Carpet Again!

Can't Wait for the Future and Mail Order Lsd

Need to Make Some Quick $$$... If You Are Interested in Purchasing an Old Wall in China Hmu

Youtube Channel That Only Uploads Off-Brand Battery Reviews

Sorry Tim Heidecker but It's Time for the Real King of Comedy to Take Back the Throne... Jeff Foxworthy!!!!

Tim Heidecker Vs Me, Trapped in a Restaurants Kitchen While a Grease Fire Burns Out of Control

Tim Heidecker: Your Days Are Numbered, My Man!

3 Hour Ted Talk Hosted by Yours Truly Where I Just Make Mouth Noises

Drawing Dicks in the Ups Signature Field

I Think Jethro Tull Would Be Interesting Opponents in a Fight

Petition: Replace the Faces of Those Guys on Mt Rushmore With the Freebird Lyrics

I Smoked the Government Weed and I Can’t Sleep, I Can’t Stop Thinking About Mars!

100 Likes and I Will Get a Crucified Skinhead Tattoo

A Video Game Where You Play as Steve Buscemi

Taco Bell Sponsorship

Larry David Sex Tape

Crucified Skinhead but It's Gumby

Mark Zuckerberg Has a Controlling Share in Youth Attack Records

Who Up I Got a Box of Dr Pepper

Had a Dream I Met an Nfl Player and I Begged Him to Kill Me

I Miss Texas and I Miss Sweet Tea

Adam Sandler but With a British Accent

Spiderman’s Balls

Cowboy God Has Made a Decision... Pineapple Must Remain on Pizza

Take It Easy by the Eagles

Repent You Sinners and Become Cowboy

God Is Returning in Half of an Hour... Cowboy God

I'd Like to Have a Cage Match With Alton Brown

Double Click Here to See Magic

Just Walked Up to Cale Weir in Public, He Was High and Listening to Tiger Army

Ask Me About Burst Pipes

Mass Sterilization Caused by Poopoo and Peepee

My Idea of Heaven Would Be Listening to Country and Western Music With My Gpa Forevr

Subway Sandwiches Buffet

A Pizza Place Run by Skinheads

I’m Gonna Kick Your Ass (I’m Lifting Weights as I Post This)

Martial Artists Breaking Planks but the Planks Are Replaced With Casio Keyboards

A Cap With a Hole for People to Show Off Their Bald Spots

All Bald People Are Skinheads

I Wonder What Pisspiggranddad Is Doing Right Now

A Vegetable Called Jetpack

Has Anyone Made Pillows That Look Like Butts Yet

Two Nude Musclebound Men Chasing Each Other Around a Junkyard Shooting Each Other With Dollar Store Water Guns

I Need to Clone Myself Five Times So I Can Fulfil My Dream of Owning and Operating a Chain of 6 24/7 Gas Stations

Pumping Iron to the Sopranos Theme Song

I Am Hungover and I Am Fucking Manic

Last Night I Got Banned From Metro (The Supermarket) For Opening and Eating Three Cans of Cold Staggs Chili in the Store

If I Shit My Pants Would My Boss Let Me Go Home Early

Last Night God Came to Me in the Form of Liam and He Said “wanan Maybe Hanmg Out”

Tom Cruise Is the Shadow President and a Member of the Deep State

Welcome to My Shop Where I Sell Fresh Sweet Corn and New Video Game Releases

“cro Mags Full Album” Tatted Across My Stomach a La “thug Life”

Nike Sneakers in Camo Making Me Really Horny

Woke Up With the Fresh Smell of a Hoagie Near by and a Morning Has Never Been So Complete for Me

I Just Wanna Noodle Catfish and Shit in an Outhouse

Gonna Open Up an Eyebrow Place Called “the Big Lebrowski”

Who Else Is Soaked and Sitting in a Leather Chair at Work

9/11 Truther in the Streets, Infowarrior in the Sheets

Bust Three Nuts Today: Two for the Towers, One for the Pentagon

This Divine Blade Gifted to Me From the Goddess, Liliana, Will Protect My Virginity at All Costs

That Guy From Anal Cunt Neither Feared or Respected That Escalator

The Harsh Stench of Mountain Dew on the Incel’s Breath

I Can't Wait for Jerkbooth to Make Fun of Me Again

Billy From Omaha Is a Very Good Boy

Waylen Jennings Is Better Than Any of Your Dumb Ass N.Y.H.C. Clone Bands

I Had to Find a Virgin to Sacrifice, So at the Stroke of Midnight I Raided the Local Gamestop

I Don’t Know If This Morning’s Taco Bell Diarrhea Sounded More Like Carcass or Impetigo Vocals

Spay or Neuter Your Retro-Thrasher Today

Dream Theater Concert, aka Incel Pride 2018

Twister Is the Best Movie Ever Written, If You Disagree You’re Fucking Stupid

Brogaze Played by the Chillest of Brogazers

That Time I Convinced Some Bros That A.C.A.B. Means a Chill Ass Bro

Claiming Your Identity Is Asexual When You’re Just an Incel

Remember When You Said Punk Would Be Great Again Under Trump? You Lied to Me.

The Deep and Eldritch Sorcery That Will Befall You If You Dare Call Me Fag Again

Only the Trvest of Satanists Set Up Their Dungeons in Their Mom’s Garage

I’m Just an Ugly Homo (Who Plays in a Noisecore Band)

Glen Benton Pussied Out of Killing Himself

I’d Rather Listen to Dream Theater Than Another Band That Sounds Like Fucking Gag

Using Arcane Necromancy to Revive Cliff Burton to Finally Solve the Lars Problem

The Hardest Part of Being a Dungeon Synth Fan Was Telling My Parents That I’m a Gay Goblin

Antichrist Kramer Is Going to Fight Neckbeard Deathcamp

I Showed You My Youth Attack Collection, Please Respond

My Friend Bald Larry Plays D & D, Listens to Power Metal and Still Goes on More Dates Than Me

My First Band, Fxcxpx, Was an Abomination Before God and a Failure

The Beautiful, Cold Winter Night That Froze My Balls Off and Made Me a Eunuch

Magic the Gathering of the Juggalos

Satan Is M’Lord Ii: Daddy Krampus

I Liked Dave Mustaine Better When He Was on Heroin

I Will Die Upon the True Altars of Madness, Cici’s Pizza, as My Body Dissolves From the Grease

Chanting “make Him Cum” During the Witching Hour Only Summoned a Cop to Issue Us a Noise Complaint

Long Sleeved, Four Sided Dream Theater Awake Shirt to Attract All the Prog Babes

Razorbumps Is Playing Cochella; Thats the Joke

I'm Glad Denton Free Jazz Musicicans Fucking Hate Me Now

If I Wanted to Watch Some Dude Jerk It for 20 Minutes I'd Use Chatroulette Instead of Going to the Skronk Show

I'm Glad Jesus Chris & The Beatles Broke Up

Cleric Got Sponsored by Hair Care Products

Oh God Fucking Dammit Not Another Band With Parker Lawson in It

Flat Earth Guy Is the True Hero of North Texas

Creeping Death Will Never Be a Real Death Metal Band Until They Cover Good Sepultura

Burning an Anal Cunt Tape Upon the Altar of Homosexuality as an Offering to the Lords of Noisecore

Infernal Legions of Mordor Is Cancelled!!!

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