The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Prologue: “There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for…” / Chapter 1: “The story so far.”

Chapter 1 (continued): “Tricia McMillian — or Trillian — had skipped the planet six months earlier…” / Chapter 2: “Like all Vogon ships it looked as if it had been not so much designed as congealed.”

Chapter 2 (continued): “It has been said that Vogons are not above a little bribery and corruption…”

Chapter 2 (continued): “He toyed with this thought a little before reluctantly dismissing it.”

Chapter 2 (continued): “When put to the test, however, it invariably produced a plastic cup filled with a liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.”

Chapter 2 (continued): “‘I’m going to need some help with this one,’ said the machine tersely.” / Chapter 3: “‘Does anyone have a kettle?’ Arthur asked…”

Chapter 3 (continued): “He started to speak, and stopped.”

Chapter 3 (continued): “Quite how Zaphod Beeblebrox arrived at the idea of holding a seance at this point…”

Chapter 3 (continued): “On Zaphod’s brow stood beads of sweat, first of concentration, then of frustration and finally of embarrassment.”

Chapter 3 (continued): “The noise and the shaking had reached terrifying proportions.”

Chapter 3 (continued): “Zaphod felt he was teetering on the edge of madness…”

Chapter 3 (continued): “‘No, you listen to me, you see-through old bat,’ said Zaphod…”

Chapter 3 (continued): “‘It is trying,’ said Zaphod with wonderful restraint, ‘to make tea.’” / Chapter 4: “Ten light years away, Gag Halfrunt jacked up his smile by several notches.”

Chapter 4 (continued): “They searched every corner of the ship in increasing bewilderment and alarm.” / Chapter 5: “Ursa Minor Beta is, some say, one of the most appalling places in the known Universe.”

Chapter 5 (continued): “The book is a guide book, a travel book.”

Chapter 5 (continued): “If at that moment you had then looked at the next table but one you would have seen Zaphod Beeblebrox…”

Chapter 6: “‘Hello? Yes? Megadodo Publications, home of the Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy…’”

Chapter 6 (continued): “Zaphod Beeblebrox entered the foyer.”

Chapter 6 (continued): “‘Mr Beeblebrox, sir,’ said the insect in awed wonder, ‘you’re so weird you should be in movies.’”

Chapter 6 (continued): “‘Oh, fine,’ said Marvin, ‘if you happen to like being me which personally I don’t.’”

Chapter 6 (continued): “At that moment a commotion broke out in the reception hall behind them.”

Chapter 6 (continued): “‘You know something?’ said Zaphod to Marvin.”

Chapter 6 (continued): “From the opposite direction came a larger black spider-like object.”

Chapter 7: “Marvin stood at the end of the bridge corridor.”

Chapter 7 (continued): “‘Yes, go on,’ said Marvin to the huge battle machine, ‘you’ll never guess.’”

Chapter 7 (continued): “‘Just ran off and left you, did they?’ the machine thundered.” / Chapter 8: “‘So, do we just sit here, or what?’ said Zaphod angrily, …”

Chapter 8 (continued): “The left-hand tower of the Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy offices streaked through interstellar space…”

Chapter 8 (continued): “‘You ever had a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster?’ asked Zaphod sharply.” / Chapter 9: “The air around the second planet of the Frogstar system was stale and unwholesome.”

Chapter 9 (continued): “About a hundred yards or so away, … was what would probably have to be described as a landing pad of sorts.”

Chapter 9 (continued): “Zarniwoop’s office was on the fifteenth floor.”

Chapter 9 (continued): “There is, however, nothing soothing about being addressed by a disembodied voice out of nowhere, …”

Chapter 9 (continued): “After what seemed like a sort of ethereal sigh it added, ‘You know how it is with bodies.’” / Chapter 10: “The Universe, as has been observed before, is an unsettlingly big place, …”

Chapter 10 (continued): “Exotic though this behaviour may seem, …”

Chapter 10 (continued): “The voice was still again, leaving Zaphod with no idea of what to say.”

Chapter 10 (continued): “Zaphod shook his head in bemusement and stumbled forward across the plain.”

Chapter 10 (continued): “At the bottom of the shaft, the rear of the elevator opened up and Zaphod stumbled out …” / Chapter 11: “he Total Perspective Vortex derives its picture of the whole Universe on the principle of extrapolated matter analyses.”

Chapter 11 (continued): “He waited for him to flop forwards out of the box, as they all did.” / Chapter 12: “A short while later he was running across the plain in the direction of the ruined city.”

Chapter 12 (continued): “After a while the remains of a wide sweeping road led off from the one down which he was walking, …”

Chapter 12 (continued): “‘Transtellar Cruise Lines would like to apologize to passengers for the continuing delay to this flight …’”

Chapter 12 (continued): “Zaphod’s skin was crawling all over his body as if it was trying to get off.”

Chapter 12 (continued): “Zaphod glared at him with resentment and loathing.”

Chapter 12 (continued): “‘At an Improbability Level,’ said Zarniwoop, ‘of … oh I don’t know, but something very large.’” / Chapter 13: “Ford Prefect bounded up to the bridge of the Heart of Gold.” / Chapter 14: “Four inert bodies sank through…”

Chapter 14 (continued): “After what seemed an eternity the sea receded…”

Chapter 14 (continued): “He looked at around him at the various shapes that were at last becoming proper shapes…”

Chapter 14 (continued): “Zaphod’s eyes flashed.”

Chapter 15: “The Restaurant at the End of the Universe is one of the most extraordinary ventures in the entire history of catering.”

Chapter 15 (continued): “(you can have on-book haventa forewhen presooning returningwenta retrohome.)” / Chapter 16: “At the bar, Zaphod was rapidly becoming as tired as a newt.”

Chapter 16 (continued): “A wild-skinned sky-gypsy approached them and played electric violin at them…”

Chapter 16 (continued): “Arthur glanced around, half expecting to see someone making an American Express commercial.”

Chapter 16 (continued): “Hotblack Desiato offered no opinion as to whether they were great days or not.”

Chapter 16 (continued): “The suit into which the man’s body had been stuffed looked as if it’s only purpose in life was to…” / Chapter 17: “The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy notes that Disaster Area, a plutonium rock band…”

Chapter 17 (continued): “Their songs are on the whole very simple and mostly follow the familiar theme of boy-being meets girl-being beneath a silvery moon, …”

Chapter 17 (continued): “In the Restaurant the lights dimmed, …”

Chapter 17 (continued): “For a few interminable seconds the Restaurant span silently through the raging void.”

Chapter 17 (continued): “‘May I urge you to consider my liver?’ asked the animal, …”

Chapter 17 (continued): “He paused again. Tonight his timing was immaculate.”

Chapter 17 (continued): “A party of smartly dressed young dogs stopped throwing rolls at each other and started throwing rolls at the stage.”

Chapter 17 (continued): “‘Hey would you let go of my fork?’ snapped Zaphod.”

Chapter 17 (continued): “There were now so many people after him he’d lost count.”

Chapter 17 (continued): “They all agreed this was very neat.”

Chapter 17 (continued): “Few of the other diners paid them any attention as they weaved their way through the Restaurant to the exit.” / Chapter 18: “The main reception foyer was almost empty but Ford nevertheless weaved his way through it.”

Chapter 18 (continued): “At short intervals along the moving catwalk, wide transparent tubes led down to floor level.”

Chapter 18 (continued): “Ford and Zaphod looked and passed on.”

Chapter 18 (continued): “‘Hey come and feel the surface,’ he said in a hushed voice.”

Chapter 18 (continued): “Had Hotblack Desiato been alive, he probably would have deemed this a good moment to lean back, or even go for a short walk.”

Chapter 18 (continued): “In his eyes were stars and on his brow a golden crown.” / Chapter 19: “One of the major selling point of that wholly remarkable travel book, the Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, …”

Chapter 19 (continued): “It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in.”

Chapter 20: “The Restaurant continued existing, but everything else had stopped.”

Chapter 20 (continued): “‘How are we doing?’ said Arthur Dent.”

Chapter 20 (continued): “Ford called out from the controls he was still fighting a losing battle with.”

Chapter 21: “Down on the dry, red world of Kakrafoon, in the middle of the vast Rudlit Desert, …”

Chapter 21 (continued): “‘What,’ said Trillian in a small quiet voice, ‘does sundive mean?’”

Chapter 21 (continued): “As a punishment for this behaviour, which was held to be offensively self righteous and provocative, …”

Chapter 21 (continued): “Half-finished wiring hung from the ceiling, …”

Chapter 21 (continued): “A year later, the hundred thousand square mile desert was thick with flowers.” / Chapter 22: “Arthur woke up and instantly regretted it.”

Chapter 22 (continued): “Aldebaran’s great, OK; Algol’s pretty neat; Betelgeuse’s pretty girls; Will knock you off your feet.”

Chapter 22 (continued): “Fear gripped them. From both directions the noise was getting louder.” / Chapter 23: “The vault was low ceilinged, dimly lit and gigantic.”

Chapter 23 (continued): “On closer inspection the coffins seemed to be more like sarcophagi. “

Chapter 23 (continued): “‘Hello?’ said Ford, turning round slowly, …” / Chapter 24: “‘Err, caption …’; ‘Yes, Number One?’”

Chapter 24 (continued): “He did this every few minutes or so, but never found what he was looking for.”

Chapter 24 (continued): “As the dominant centrepiece of a starship bridge it was terribly wrong, …”

Chapter 24 (continued): “‘All right, you scum,’ he growled, ‘you vermin …’”

Chapter 24 (continued): “Ford looked around.”

Chapter 24 (continued): “‘Trouble with a long journey like this,’ continued the Captain, ‘is that you end up just talking to yourself a lot, …’”

Chapter 24 (continued): “He glanced at his first and second officers, but they seemed lost in their own thoughts for a moment.” / Chapter 25: “The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has this to say about the planet of Golgafrincham:”

Chapter 25 (continued): “And in all this ancient and mysterious history, …” / Chapter 26: “That night the ship crash-landed on to an utterly insignificant little green-blue planet…”

Chapter 26 (continued): “When the sun came up that morning…”

Chapter 26 (continued): “Looking over his shoulder Arthur saw that he was twiddling with knobs on a small black box.” / Chapter 27: “‘I trust you had a pleasant meal?’ said Zarniwoop to Zaphod and Trillian…”

Chapter 28: “The major problem - one of the major problems, for there are several - one of the many major problems with governing people…” / Chapter 29: “On a small obscure world somewhere in the middle of nowhere in particular…”

Chapter 29 (continued): “The cat seemed undecided on the matter.”

Chapter 29 (continued): “He played with the calculator for an hour, whilst the cat went to sleep…”

Chapter 29 (continued): “The man looked at them doubtfully.”

Chapter 29 (continued): “The rain continued to pound the roof. Inside the shack it was warm.”

Chapter 29 (continued): “The rain continued to churn the mud.” / Chapter 30: “The stars came out that night, dazzling in their brilliance and clarity.”

Chapter 30 (continued): “Before them in the middle of the clearing stood a group of about two dozen men and women.”

Chapter 30 (continued): “Slowly and watchfully they walked round the perimeter of the clearing.”

Chapter 30 (continued): “For the next fifty miles of their journey eastward they kept on finding the occasional gift of fruit lying in their path…”

Chapter 31: “A few days after landing in this mountainous land they hit a coastline which swept diagonally before them…”

Chapter 32: “A thin whine filled the air.”

Chapter 32 (continued): “Other eyes watched the assembling crowds.”

Chapter 32 (continued): “‘Why not call it a rock?’ asked Ford.”

Chapter 32 (continued): “The marketing girl soured him with a look.”

Chapter 32 (continued): “The Captain leaned forward out of his bath.”

Chapter 32 (continued): “At this point he decided he would not wait all day after all, he would merely pretend that the last half hour hadn’t happened.”

Chapter 32 (continued): “Ford waited for this statement to have its effect.” / Chapter 33: “A mile or so away through the wood, Arthur Dent was too busily engrossed with what he was doing to hear Ford Prefect approach.”

Chapter 33 (continued): “Ford leaned his elbow against the tree and his hand against his head.”

Chapter 33 (continued): “‘No,’ said Ford, ‘there’s nothing we can do…’”

Chapter 33 (continued): “Arthur ran over to the two natives.”

Chapter 33 (continued): “‘There might be a way of bringing that unconscious pattern forward.’”

Chapter 34: “The sun came out and beamed cheerfully at them.”

Chapter 34 (continued): “‘Oh, I’ve heard of worse,’ said Ford, ‘I read of one planet off in the seventh dimension that got used as a ball in a game of intergalactic bar billiards.’”